Four months.

That's how long it's been since I've last blogged, and since I last posted anything of significance on Instagram or Twitter. The reason? I needed a break. Between crazy current events and the time suck that  social media has become, there was just too much unwanted noise in my life. 

The stress of it all didn't seem worth it. So I stopped. And I listened. And I used my time differently. 

For me, taking a break didn't mean disengaging from the political reality/hellhole in which we now live. It meant taking a break from my own creativity. For four months, I didn't publish or amplify a single blog post. I didn't post anything on or look at Instagram. I didn't check Twitter. And for one month, I didn't touch Facebook.

Here's what disengaging from social media taught me:

Burnout is not always recognizable.
So much of my photography business is about getting eyes on my website, which means keeping a blog. Even when I don't have photos to share, I feel the need to find something to write about.  That means brainstorming ideas, writing posts, keeping an editorial calendar, amplifying my blogs on social media, and engaging on those platforms as much as possible. It is enough to be a full-time job, except that I already have a full-time job working in the labor movement. Between photos, blogging, general business running, and labor activism, I can easily put in ten to twelve hours a day every day. And that's what I did for months on end. I was so wrapped up in all of this work that I failed to realize how much I was working. I know, that sounds weird, right? But GO became my standard mode. Resting, relaxing, and doing things deemed "unproductive" started to become foreign concepts to me. I didn't realize how extreme my situation had become until I forced myself to stop creating and start living.

There is value and joy in just being.
Not only had I forgotten what it was like to read a book, watch a movie, or just have down time, but I failed to recognize how important tranquil, unproductive moments in life really are. Yes, much of that can be attributed to working too much... but taking a break from social media also made me realize just how much time I spend at the computer. Time that could be spent doing other, healthier things: like engaging in conversation, walking outside, listening to music, or just thinking. That's the problem with social media--even when we're alone with it, it takes up space in our mind. There is something truly beautiful and peaceful about having the freedom to turn inward and tune out the rest of the world. Too much time on social media took this away from me.  

Comparison is a dangerous game.
As a photographer, I look at images. Lots of them. All the time. This includes images of other photographers, no matter their genre. Any good photographer will tell you not to compare your work to the work of others. I've told myself and readers of this blog that many times. But it's always easier said than done. Before I gave up social media for four months, comparing myself to other photographers became a daily routine, and a depressing one at that. Where I saw perfection in others' images, business models, and success, I found only flaws and failure in mine. Taking a break from social media gave me much-needed relief from this self-depreciating behavior and, as a result, I feel more confident in my own self and my work.

Change is okay.
Checking social media multiple times each day became part of a regular routine. Breaking that felt strange at first, but it taught me that change, even in this one, small way, is good. It's healthy.

Creating can be therapeutic. It can also be a shield.
During times of high stress and uncertainty (say, like... now) there is no denying that art, be it writing, painting, photography, dance, or theater, can be incredibly therapeutic. But it can also act as a near-impenetrable shield from life. In the months before I hit my  breaking point, I was so focused on work and churning out content for this blog and my social media channels that I didn't have the time or energy to fully digest the news or engage in discussions or debates about current events. Why does this matter? Because conversations matter. Shielding myself from the raw reality of our world prevented me from growing, learning, engaging, and acting. Since taking a break from social media, I've been able to do deep self reflection, learn from the world around me, and make changes in my personal life that align with changes I want to see in the rest of society.

I am happier.
Less stress. Less drama. Less fucks to give about things that don't actually matter. 

I've missed you, @Yogitastic.
There is one down side to my break from social media: I've missed out on happenings in my community and the musings of my neighbors... including the hysterical rants of brain buyer and yoga instructor Sam, aka @Yogitastic. Seriously, people. If you're looking for a little humor to go with your anger, this is the account to follow.

I'm more than a little behind on blogging... but that's okay. Life takes a lot of twists and turns, and right now I'm at one of those super twisty points. That's not to say things aren't good, though.

Life is always good when I get to spend time with fellow creatives, and that's exactly what happened this weekend. Sarah of Hooked and Loopy and I got together for a product shoot! If you don't already know, Sarah is the genius behind the crocheted animals you see above. She makes more than 70 different creatures of all sizes, ranging from adorable and petite to large and whimsical. One of my favorites is her Shakespeare doll, which will be featured in an upcoming blog post -- so stay tuned!

I also took time out of my weekend to get back into a hobby I did a lot as a kid: painting. All those twists and turns I mentioned above? They've created a lot of stress, so painting is really a way for me to get back to basics. I painted and drew nearly every day as a kid, and miss those moments of quiet, creative solitude. It's been nearly 20 years since I've picked up a brush, but I've really enjoyed experimenting and practicing techniques I remember from childhood art classes. Below are two of my most recent creations.

Today’s blog post was supposed to be a continuation of the “finding your style” saga I started two weeks ago… but after the events of last night, I knew that had to change. Instead, today’s blog post is about Cliff. Well, more specifically, it is about us -- and our love for each other.

My day job has been growing increasingly stressful. For the last few months, I’ve been feeling emotionally drained and extremely demoralized. Cliff knows this and of course he cares, but I never expected him to care so much. Last night after another bad day, he told me how beautiful I looked in the dress I was wearing and asked me to help him pick out something just as handsome for himself. Then he let me know that we were going out. He didn’t tell me where and refused to answer any of my questions – it was a surprise.

The place Cliff whisked me off to wasn’t far from our home, but it is special to us. When we arrived, a reservation was waiting, and we were taken to a table in the back where virtually no one else was sitting. It was like we had the place to ourselves and for the first time in a very long time, we focused on nothing but each other.

It was lovely, and exactly what I needed when I needed it. Most importantly, it was a necessary reminder that life exists outside of work, and that taking time to focus on each other is what matters most.

Last night’s surprise date also made me realize just how special our own relationship is, how lucky I am to have someone in my life who loves me as much as Cliff loves me, and all the reasons I fell in love with this man in the first place. I don’t talk about our relationship on this blog often because it is private and something that’s just between us. But I also know we have something special, and I felt some of that should be shared with the world.
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So, without further ado, here are 8 of my favorite things about us.

We eat dinner together almost every night
This is a tradition my parents started and one I’ve carried through to our relationship. It makes me so sad when I hear that not every family eats together because this is one of my favorite moments of every day.

We're both awed by each other
I still remember the first time I ever saw Cliff, and I knew there was something different – something special – about him. Thirteen years later, he still takes my breath away, and I know I do the same for him (He’s told me so!). If someone would have told me 14 years ago that in 14 years from then, I’d come home after a bad day at work and Cliff Starkey would sweep me off of my feet, I wouldn’t have believed them.

We make a good team
Having a life partner you feel passion for is everyone’s desire; but having someone you can problem solve with, in my opinion, is equally important. And that’s one thing I love about me and Cliff: whether we’re traveling, dealing with difficult people or solving a home-ownership crisis, we make a great team.
 
We’re both from Nebraska
Silver Spring and D.C., especially, are true melting-pot cities. There are people here from all over the world, and we know so many couples who met here but are originally from different parts of the country – or even the world. That’s great for them, but I couldn’t do it. Nebraska is part of me, just like it is part of Cliff. Having someone who fully understands what that means, who gets my jokes and references, and who realizes homesickness for a fly-over state is real is everything.
 
We don’t follow traditional gender roles
Our relationship is definitely a modern one, and that’s one thing I adore about us. When it comes to house chores, Cliff does most (if not all) of the cleaning and car repair. I handle finances and cooking. And we share laundry.
 
He likes my cheekbones and I like his freckles
Like most people, we both have insecurities about our own bodies, but when we look at each other, all we see is beauty. Cliff loves my cheekbones and I adore his freckles and green eyes.
 
We both love animals
Considering we both generally like animals more than we like people, this one is important.
 
We've been together longer than most other couples we know
Cliff and I aren’t married, but we’ve been together since I was 19 and he was 22. Other than our parents and a handful of friends, we’ve been a couple longer than most of our married friends have been married… in some cases, by double or triple. That’s something I’m super proud of.

I hope everyone out there had a lovely weekend. For me, it was the calm before the storm. I've got a double header next weekend, with Paul and Sarah's wedding on Saturday and Taste the World in Fenton Village on Sunday! It's a lot to pack into two days, but I know both events are going to be awesome!

Part of what made this weekend so great was the time I got to spend with my friend and fellow creative Christy Batta. Christy came to me with a really unique project: she needed photos for her website that showcase both her design talents and the physical elements of some of her pieces. This session was a challenge for sure, but by working together we accomplished some really cool things! I can't wait to share more soon!

Christy and I have done a lot of collaborating in recent weeks, and she isn't the only creative I'm working with on some really cool things. There's a lot going on behind the scenes, all of which will be revealed in due time.

With so many projects on my hands, I've been thinking a lot about self care and relaxation and what that looks like to me. That's what I'm using Memorial Day Weekend for! I've got some fun things planned, including a day trip with Cliff to Calvert Cliffs State Park. I've heard great things about the park -- including the fact that you can go hunting for sharks teeth there -- and after an intense grading/finals season for Cliff and so many back-to-back photoshoots and project for me, it sounds like the perfect couples getaway. Just thinking about the fun we'll have there makes me smile :)

This is a really hard blog post for me to write, partly because the back story is complicated, partly because it means I’m exposing my own flaws to the world and partly because its just plain embarrassing. However, I feel it is important to tell this story because I don’t want other photographers, artists and creatives to fall into the same trap I did.

That trap is thinking you aren’t good enough.

You see, I never set out to start a photography business. It just kind of happened. I'm acutely aware that I have no background in business, and instead of seeing that as an opportunity for growth, I sometimes view it as a weakness. I’m constantly tweaking how I do things and am always on the lookout for ways I can better myself as an artist and small-business owner. For a long time, turning to the blogs and businesses of other photographers for help and inspiration was a huge source of comfort.

​But recently, I learned the hard way that relying too much on the advice of others can backfire. You see, I started to let people I don’t even know influence me in a very negative way. Namely, I was told that the key to success was finding my own, unique style.

I saw and heard this message over and over and over again -- so much that I started internalizing it. I became obsessed with wondering when I would find my style. The more I followed this path, the clearer the instructions got: signature style touches are inserted in the final stages of the photography process, during what is known as post-processing.

One specific photographer – someone who I admired and who is highly successful – even promised to show people how, and I fell for it. I spent hundreds of dollars on an online course thinking it would magically lead me to my style. It didn’t. Instead, this photographer showed the post-processing elements they apply to create their own signature look, and actually encouraged other photographers to copy their style.

​I didn’t think twice. I got sucked in. I spent hours trying to match this photographer’s post-processing style, and came away frustrated when I couldn't. I began believing that their look was the standard and if I couldn’t match it, I was a failure.

There was just one problem: I didn't need to find my style because I'd already found it. I had developed it years ago. I just didn’t recognize it because I internalized negative messages and believed there was something wrong with my photos because they didn't look like the photos another photographer produced. Instead of seeing that as a good thing, I took it to mean that my photos weren't good enough. That I wasn't good enough.

I didn't see the light until a friend and mentor talked to me about drastic changes he saw in my work. He helped me regain confidence by realizing there is nothing about my style that needs changing. Looking back, I'm so thankful for that conversation, but that doesn't mean owning up to my insecurities has been easy. I wasted a lot of time and money going down a path that led to nowhere, and I actually had to re-teach myself my post processing style because I got so confused.

The good news is I do feel more aware of negative messages that are out there and more confident in my own abilities after this experience. I'm also hoping my experience will help others. You see, it doesn't matter if you're a photographer, parent, student, athlete, business professional or something else entirely. We are all barraged with the message that we somehow aren't good enough, and that if we buy this one thing we'll magically be fixed.

What those ads and negative messages fail to show is that life is a process, and we are all in a constant state of learning, flux, growth and development. 

Trust me when I say the next time I see or hear something that tells me I'm not good enough, I'm going to remind myself that it's all garbage. I hope anyone reading this does the same. My advice? Trust yourself. Trust the process. Enjoy the journey.

I had the most amazing time this weekend supporting my friend Dr. Ron Holt at HRC's Time to Thrive Conference! The conference is designed to teach educators how they can help LGBTQ youth, and Dr. Holt was there giving away copies of his international best selling book PRIDE: You Can't Heal If You're Hiding From Yourself. 

Ron took a lot of risks and made some major decisions to be at this conference, but I think he would tell you that it was all worth it. You see, up until two months ago, Ron was working as a psychiatrist, seeing patients. After some deep reflection and soul searching, he gave up his day job to pursue his passion: helping LGBTQ youth understand that they are beautiful and perfect just as they are. I'm so proud of him for following his dreams.

I couldn't think of anyone better to do this job. That's because Dr. Holt isn't just any psychiatrist. He understands what GLBTQ youth are experiencing because he is a proud, openly gay man who struggled with his own sexual orientation as a kid. Growing up, he was taught that being gay meant being weak and that the world didn't tolerate or have room for anything outside of heterosexualism. As a result, he struggled with anxiety, depression, social isolation and thoughts of suicide. He never had an LGBTQ role model in his life, and now he's working to be a role model to any young person struggling with his or her sexual orientation or gender identity who might need one.

To achieve this goal, Ron combined his personal story with his expertise as a mental health professional into two books. The first demonstrates that it is okay to be part of the LGBTQ community and shows what happens when people try to or are forced to suppress who they really are, and the second is a companion coloring book full of positive affirmation of self love and self acceptance.

You might be wondering how I know Dr. Holt and that's where this story -- at least I think -- gets really cool. Dr. Holt and I went to the same small college in Nebraska called Wayne State. Each year, as part of his mission to help LGBTQ youth, Ron comes back to the college to speak. A few years before I met Ron, my best friend came out as lesbian. As crazy as it may sound, her coming out was actually a defining moment in my own life as well. I saw the struggles Molly faced as a queer teen in Nebraska and felt compelled to help in whatever small way I could. So when I heard Ron speak, his words hit me on a very deep, personal level. We had an instant connection and never lost contact.

Ten years later, Ron asked if I could assist him at this conference and I jumped at the opportunity. But it gets even better. He and I were not the only graduates from our college to attend! Ron also enlisted the help of two other alumni, Max and Eric. Max graduated from WSC in 2012 and now leads a LGBTQ center at a community college in Minnesota, and Eric lives right here in D.C.! Being able to connect with other WSC alumni who I hadn't previously met was awesome! Being able to share with them this incredibly important experience is something I will never forget.

I know from everything I see around me that being an LGBTQ youth in America is not easy. But I am confident that, because of organizations like HRC and people like my friend Dr. Ron Holt, it will get better.

​It's such an honor to represent our college and our home state of Nebraska at a conference dedicated to helping GLBTQ youth grow and thrive. I can't wait for this experience and look forward to telling you more about it soon!

Two weeks I wrote about the crazy detour I took when I let insecurities take hold and convinced myself I needed to find a better or different style. ​This week, I thought it would be helpful to actually talk about style, what goes into it and healthy ways any artist, photographer or creative can develop a style unique to them.

First, some knowledge I wish I could have bestowed on my younger self: ​

Everything I've read and everything I've internalized talked about finding a unique style -- a style no one else has. The problem with that, at least for me, is the insane pressure it puts on the artist. I kept telling myself my style wasn't unique enough and that led me on a  quest to fix something that wasn't broken.

Art shouldn't have to be that hard or stressful. Instead, I'm rephrasing the statement: Make art that looks like you. We're all unique individuals who have unique experiences and see the world through one pair of eyes -- our own. By definition, that means the art each of us creates is unique. The challenge then, is not about creating something extraordinarily different, but creating an extension of ourselves.

More than anything, I've come to realize that style isn't as much about the end product as it is about the process that gets you there. There's also no magic formula that can lead any artist to their style -- it is something that is developed over time through free flowing trial and error.

If you're a photographer, artist or creative struggling to develop a style that suits you, I encourage you to look at the whole picture. Start by identifying the tools you have to work with, identify which tools you LIKE working with, and then decide which tools will bring you to your end goal -- whatever that may be. Experiment with what you have at your disposal until you find something you feel comfortable with, and that feels right for you. You can build from there. Finally -- and most importantly -- trust your gut and follow your heart. They will not lead you wrong.

Not long ago, I blogged about being inspired by another creative in my community. Silver Spring is full of artists, and seeing what they do, how they work, how they weave their creative lives with their work and personal lives is always fascinating to me. I’m heavily inspired by others, but I never thought of myself as someone who could inspire another… until last week.

I received an unexpected email from a former client named Ann. Last summer, I photographed Ann’s family, including her children and grandchildren, and she loved one of my photos so much that she turned it into a beautiful watercolor painting! She had plans to enter her painting in a contest, but wanted to touch base with me first because my art was the inspiration for her art.

I was so shocked, humbled and so surprised. My art was the inspiration for her art. Those words mean so much to me!
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When I saw Ann’s painting, I was even more blown away. It’s absolutely stunning, and she gave me permission to share it with you here. Below is Ann’s painting, which won third place in Washington Watercolor Society exhibit, and below that is the original photograph from the session.

I’ve been thinking about this blog post for a while now. It was inspired by this short, sweet post by my friend and fellow creative Amina Ahmed, who is the genius behind Handmade Habitat. The theme? I am enough. We are all enough. Flaws and imperfections included.

Before I go further, I’ve got to tell you what an inspiration Amina is to me. She’s a strong but gentle woman, self-proclaimed feminist, someone who has faced life’s challenges head on and has come out stronger and better because of them. She’s taught me a lot about owning my own business, living unapologetically and understanding my value as an artist, individual and small-business owner.

Her blog post spoke to me. Even though it focuses on being enough as artists, the message touched me on a deeper level. “I am enough” has become a daily mantra for me.

You see, I have anxiety. It’s not something I’ve talked about before publicly. But I was again inspired to do so by another creative and friend, Nate Fischer, who spoke so candidly about his own battle with depression in this interview. At times, my anxiety can be debilitating, but thanks to a lot of practice, self care and help from coaches, it’s mostly just something I live with. That said, it still affects me daily.
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This list perfectly describes life for me on a daily basis, up to and including the fact that I constantly put myself and my work down, seek perfection that I’m never actually able to achieve and therefore beat myself up for tiny mistakes. It means that no matter how much beauty my photos hold or how well I connect with a client during a shoot, what I see and, most of the time, what I focus on are the imperfections. The thought process goes something like this: This photo is good, but it could be better. I should have done this... Or, I captured photos from this angle. Why didn’t I capture photos from that angle? Or OMG. Why did I say that? I'm so awkward and embarrassing. 

The same is true in my work as a communications professional and activist in the labor movement. My day job is challenging. I knew that going into it, and, most of the time, I accept and embrace the challenge. But I also work in a culture where praise for things done right is often lacking, and criticism for errors – even tiny ones – is not. As someone who is acutely aware of her own downfalls and flaws, external forces reminding me of my shortfalls can sometimes feel overwhelming.

That’s why Amina’s post means so much to me.

It is a refreshing reminder that I am strong. I am powerful. And while I am not perfect, the effort I give is worth something. The work I produce is worth something. The art I make is worth something. Why? Because I am enough. 

It’s a beautiful reminder to stop, think about and really acknowledge all of the things about myself and my work that are good and right and wonderful. After all, I have an incredibly strong relationship with a man I’m deeply in love with. At 30, I became a home owner. I built, from the ground up, a business that brings me joy, allows me create art and spread joy. And, I do a damn fine job balancing all of these things. That's a lot to be proud of.
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Amina’s post is also a testament of the power of a positive attitude and how sharing positivity, even in little ways, can have a profound impact on someone’s life. We are all deserving of love, praise and positivity. And we all deserve to feel, believe and know that we are enough.